worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
