I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
