Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
