they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
