Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize