the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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