he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
