if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
