so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Randomize
