Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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