When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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