my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize