Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
