Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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