false alarm. still invincible.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
