It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
