Already got asked if we're dating
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
