Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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