The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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