I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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