Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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