he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
