Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
