6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
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