Three words: puerto rican gang bang
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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