my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
