I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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