My liver just broke up with me...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
