Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He better not be in your backpack
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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