Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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