I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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