if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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