there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
