Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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