I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm like, not good at living.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
