JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
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