I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
