I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
