Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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