1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
