I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
