My hand turned me down
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
