I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
