the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize