I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
