How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
