i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
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