while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
