The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
