I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Randomize
