why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize