I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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