Capitaan dildo arrescate!
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
