I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
