I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
