i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
