i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just found a bag of teeth...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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